I wasn’t going to even post about this because often before I post I think “will this even minister to anyone?” Then I was thinking if it does then that is great if it doesn’t then not everyone was meant to see it. I want to give hope to people with the things I do share. I want to also not feel so hopeless myself. So while I want to help others, I still want to help myself in that process as well. Not to mention, God told me Himself to write my heart out.
Today I got to talk to someone who has been extremely important to me and who has played a very important role in my life that I haven’t talked face to face to in about a year or so after having to part ways for certain reasons. It was something that had to happen at the time and I have been able to see why that is as more and more time has passed. With that said though, I was initially very hurt and feeling very rejected and those feelings carried on longer and longer. This person was more like a mother figure to me and the hurt and rejection became very heavy. The enemy was sure doing a number on me as far as that relationship goes and it certainly crept into some relationships I had going forward. The enemy always reminded me that if she could abandon me and hurt me then whose to say this person or that person won’t do the same? At the time we stopped talking I was certainly thinking irrationally and I allowed the enemy to gain a foothold in the situation and he had a field day with it for the last year. The enemy kept telling me “everyone leaves you”, “no one loves you”, “you didn’t think she’d leave and look.” It was constant when this first happened and I was being emotionally tortured for months. The unpleasant feelings began dying down little by little as time passed and I got “used to” not talking to her as much or in as much depth as before. But deep down, my heart was not right concerning all of it.
I realized in the last few weeks that I was holding onto these bitter feelings deep down in my heart. When I felt as though someone else was giving up on me recently, they pointed out that those feelings I was experiencing at that moment opened up an old wound, the wound I spoke of above. She was 100% right! All of the feelings of anger, hurt, rejection, sadness, etc. came flooding back and slapped me right across the face, hard. With the help of an amazing friend, I realized I was holding onto this really deep hurt from a year ago and why? I had to ask myself why and I couldn’t come up with a justified reason for holding onto it because there isn’t one. Was carrying this all hurt holding me back or pushing me forward? It was certainly holding me back. So I thought, okay well I need to work on forgiving her. Forgiving the situation I guess. Because I know that what happened wasn’t something that she did to intentionally hurt me. I realized that as time passed but still those awful feelings were boxed up in my heart. That’s the worst place to hold onto that stuff! My intent was to just push it down as usual and I didn’t want to “deal” with it. But God wasn’t going to allow that!
I have recently been struggling emotionally and mentally and I reached out to this person to talk, and not about anything specific, just talk like we used to. I felt I needed her along with others, to help me snap out of whatever funk I found myself in recently. I needed another person in my support system. She agreed to talk, I was surprised and I had to tell myself I really shouldn’t be. Because at the end of the day when I have needed her, she’s shown up. I thought maybe I won’t go through with it, she can’t be there for me like she used to so what’s the point? Little did I know, God knew the point. God knew exactly what was this was all for. While it’s true, she cannot be there like she used to be, that is okay. That’s something I just have to accept for what it is. But today, God had His plans. He knows the plans He has for me (Jeremiah 29:11)
I got to talk to her, face to face, this evening and I am beyond thankful for that alone. But there’s so much more to be thankful for and to praise God for! We talked for a bit and not about anything that happened last year. We got caught up I guess you can say. When we finished talking it’s like the Holy Spirit came over me and was like “forgive her.” (Sometimes I’m still like “huh, what? Are you for real?” with these Godly moments, lol.) I sat and thought about it and thought I really do need to truly forgive this person for hurting me, unintentionally. So I prayed for the strength and courage to do so with God’s help. Today I made the choice to forgive her and take the lies of the enemy and throw them back in his face. The thought of “she doesn’t love you or care about you” had to go back to the pit of hell where it came from because that’s a lie. I’m choosing not to keep holding onto those lies of the enemy that he’s been feeding me, in regards to her, for a year already. I couldn’t “forgive” her on my own because it never seemed genuine enough but instead, very passive. I didn’t feel it in my heart. God put it on my heart today to really set this at the foot of the cross, forgive and let it go. I am letting it go. All of those negative feelings regarding our relationship have got to go. There is no place in my life for it any longer. I am not a slave to those feelings anymore and that is because my strength comes from my heavenly Father. I praise Him for it and am so grateful that I had the opportunity to talk to her and in turn experience such an incredible breakthrough!
So when you think “what’s the point?” in something, maybe it’s not you that has to know the point because God already knows it. So to reiterate my last blog post, sometimes you have to let go and “let God be God”. Sometimes you have to stop trying to control circumstances and say “here you go, you’ve got this God” and watch Him work miracles. I didn’t expect to experience this and I think that’s the beauty of it all. That a breakthrough like this came out of nowhere and I needed it in this season of my life. It’s a very freeing feeling that I wasn’t sure I’d ever actually experience in my life. So to have experienced it with something that has been weighing on me so heavy for the last year is an amazing blessing.
I just recently decided I needed to really work on forgiving those who have wronged me or hurt me in some way. God had this all planned out, I just showed up. With that said, I will continue to show up and continue on the path of forgiveness because I now know it’s truly possible and I thank God for this and so much more. When you think your heart is so broken, broken beyond repair, guess what? It’s not beyond repair and I am living proof of it. This has shown me that I can mend those broken parts with help from my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Anything is possible with God on my side and on yours!!