This is one of my BIGGEST struggles as a Christian, giving things to God and allowing him to fight my battles. Laying things down at his feet is very difficult for me to do. I’m used to trying so hard to be in control even when I know that deep down I’m not in control of every single situation that comes up. I will not lie and say I haven’t laid things down and given them to God but I know it has been small things and I have to remember that God is mighty and most powerful and there is nothing too big that I can’t lay at the foot of the cross. This is something I’m certainly still trying to understand, learn and put into action in my life. Again, it has not been an easy thing for me and I have a very long way to go. But deep down I know if I keep running from allowing God to fight my battles He isn’t going to keep chasing me down. I don’t look at that as He will give up on me because in my heart I know God will not give up on me, but I do believe He will stop chasing me and simply stand still at some point and wait for me to turn back around and take the step, to reach down inside of myself, and find that inner strength to give him the battles I am trying so hard to fight alone.
I have been struggling for weeks now. Emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. I’ve wanted to write on my blog for a while but began feeling like I’d sound like such a hypocrite. I want to be positive and uplifting but when I find myself in a dark place I question if I should do that when here I am struggling. I don’t claim to be perfect…I claim to be real, and that’s all I am. I have my good days, weeks, months and I have some rough and dark days, weeks, months. I’m human. A human who is struggling to live by God’s values and NOT the worlds.
My journey with God began April of last year and has the last year been perfect? No. But has it been better than the year before? Absolutely. Have my eyes been opened in ways I didn’t even think was possible? Yes. I have experienced amazing things during this journey. I’ve also experienced some setbacks and rough times, that’s life right? But every time I have fallen I have risen back up and hopefully stronger than before. My dark times don’t come as often as they did before I gave my life to God. The enemy likes to make me think the total opposite and he plays on every tactic that he can to get me to believe I haven’t progressed in any way and so why do I keep bothering. I will keep bothering and fighting because my life is worth more than what the enemy tells me. The enemy whispers those horrible things into my ear and I allow myself to get sucked in. But I do have to remember that God says “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11) The plan for my life is in God’s hand, NOT the enemies hand and not even in my own. I am so used to dancing around with the enemy and it truly is a struggle to trust that I need to just give it to God. But I’m not giving up on that and there is going to come a time where I hand things to God so easily like it is a natural reflex.
I have been knocked down for enough time at this point emotionally and I allowed myself to cry out to God. Full on crying out to God that I can’t do this alone. No matter how badly I’ve been trying to. I cannot handle all the things the enemy is throwing at me right now. It’s been exhausting. But almost automatically after crying out, tears and all, God held his hand out to me. And people may think I’m a little crazy but as clear as day I saw a hand, waiting for me to grab onto it and I did. THAT WAS GOD. I stood up and I wiped my tears. I got myself dressed and began doing the things I needed to do that I had been avoiding because it was “too overwhelming.” God himself literally lifted me up today because I allowed myself to cry out to him. What have I learned? That running and avoiding have not done me any good in any area of my life and it knocked me so far down into a dark place. I feel like I’m supposed to control everything in my life, and the thing is I can’t. I cannot fight every battle alone. YOU cannot fight every battle alone and that does not make any of us “weak”.
“The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.” (Exodus 14:14) One day this will also be a natural reflex, for me to be still and let God be God!!!
Today I decided I have to fight back. I have to tell the enemy to go back to where he came from because I want no part in it. I have to learn to stop coming into agreement with the crap that he throws my way. I have to learn a lot of things but I’m not going to continue thinking that learning it and applying it is impossible for me. Because it’s not. I have not come this far to just give up.
“He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ” (Phillipians 1:6)
He is FAR from done with me and I look forward to what the Lord has in store for my life. It’s his plan not mine!